


For too long I was afraid of losing you, then I lost myself

by An_outsider_looking_in



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Conscience, Graphic Description, Guilt, M/M, Worry, operation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:02:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21516490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/An_outsider_looking_in/pseuds/An_outsider_looking_in
Summary: This is a bit of an experimental piece. I am imploring a candy coloured, camp and musical aesthetic into Ben's mind as he contemplates possible 'Legal' job routes. Following his promise to go straight, at the end of Thursday 21st November's episode, I thought it might be fun to have a little bit of a fantasy montage as he tries out different job roles. I have taken inspiration from grease where Danny tries out different things to impress sandy. Playing on the aesthetic of camp and musical theatre, I have played around with the notion of Ben in various jobs, almost like a dream sequence but put rather a dark twist on it.Enjoy
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	For too long I was afraid of losing you, then I lost myself

"Did you do that for me?" Callum asked

"What can I say? I like a man in uniform" Ben smiled

"But do you mean it. You will go straight"

"Unfortunate turn of phrase there, but yes I will opt to walk on the legal side"

"Thank you" Callum said

"Come here" Ben kissed Callum and they shared a hug, Ben suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of loss as he hugged his boyfriend. He felt numb. He had what he wanted, he chose to love. As he tried to revel in the joy of a blossoming relationship, he couldn't help but feel fear, he had no idea what he would do. Beyond the car lot, he had very little 'Legal' within his grasp.

"You are a good man, Ben Mitchell" Callum said. Ben hadn't heard that too much in his life, he was trying to get used to it.

* * *

The next day, Ben awoke early. He left Callum asleep, and sneaked out of the apartment. As he wandered through the cold square, he began to think, to contemplate the ridiculous. He was amused by the various job roles that fluttered into his mind. Sitting down on a bench, he looked around at the buildings, the sunlight began to illuminate the queen vic. 

* * *

The candy coloured euphoria of the unknown overwhelmed him. His imagination was flooded with ridiculousness.

Before him, he saw a stack of books. As he glanced around, he realised he was in a library. A name tag rested on his chest and he wore a buttoned up white shirt. His glasses rested on the end of a neck wire and in his hand was a red stamper. 

_Return_

_Return_

_Return_

_H_ e stamped and stamped, in a choreographed rhythm. Foreboding book cases began to close in, an inch closer, each time he looked up. The books came faster and thicker and the stamping began to tire him

The final book opened itself before him, the title read

 ** _'_** ** _Crime and Punishment - my journey to the right path_** ' by Benjamin Mitchell the byline read

**How I managed to find love and lose the respect of my family.**

Ben jolted out of the vision and smiled a worried smile. They sure knew how to write books about us monsters, he remembered saying to his young nephew. 

Pulling up the collar on his favourite coat, he reclined into another sleep like daydream. 

The vision opened with a horrific spill of white powder over his hands. Perhaps this wasn't to be a legal one, he wandered as he watched the scenario unfold. Looking up, he saw his reflection in the mirror. Wearing a white apron, he served up freshly baked biscuits onto a plate. This wasn't so scary, he wondered as he glanced around the iridescent ylow walls of the bakery. Grotesque creatures began to flounce towards him, they had no faces and were simply piggish like things. 

He began to tremble as the piggy noses began to sprout graphically from the faceless beings. They surrounded him and he began to shrink, his neck began to cave and his head sunk into his shirt. 

The walls darkened and the apron became alive. It spun around as he squeezed his eyes shut. He opened them to see the neon flare of lights, on his arm was a security patch. An SIA badge. He stood outside the prince Albert.

The music was loud and he glanced around the empty streets. The neon lights were bluish and the music seemed to hold only one beat. As he steadied his breath, he was approached by a familiar face. The siren like music got louder, causing his ears to shatter. 

"You've fallen, ain't ya?" it was Martin .

"I went straight"

"You are weak" he chuckled. "Never going to run away from your past, Ben" Martin's jacket began to grow tighter, as he shrunk in height, he widened horizontally. Pulling off his face as though it were a latex mask, Martin had turned into Heather trott.

"No. I did time for that"

"Still murdered me though didn't you?" She laughed, her fizzy hair was exactly how he remembered. Her hands were gloved as she held the photoframe.

"It was an accident" 

"Doesn't matter. I'm no longer alive because of your actions" 

"Can't run away from this Ben" She continued and walked right up to his face, her spit flew at his face with each word. He tried not to heave as her breath reaked of rotting flesh. Maggots began to pour out of her mouth as her jaw loosened. 

"I'm sorry" He cried, but it was too late, chunks of flesh began to fall off her face, revealing a bloodied skull. 

He squeezed his eyes shut, fearful of what he would see next. When he awoke he was in a bright green office, before him lay truncheons, hand cuffs and tasers. His mind wandered to kinky places as he envisioned scenarios. A smile stretched across his face, a cheeky smile.

"Stand straight" Jack Branning approached him, parts of his face were shaded by the light. He looked like a noir villain, the chiaroscuro lighting added a dramatic backdrop.

"Don't think we will be easy on you because your husband is the captain" Ben felt a little turned on but emasculated all at once. 

"Of course not" He replied, sarcastically. 

"Sarcasm is not welcome here"

"I don't want to do this. I don't want to be one of you" Ben muttered and Jack's face turned angry, the cheekbone structure seemed to deconstruct, causing his face to mould unaturally.

"I know what I want and it isn't this" Ben yelled 

Jack pulled out a gun and shot Ben. He was knocked back by the force of the bullet and landed on his back. Looking up to the beaming light, he saw a masked surgeon. The surgeon pulled down the mask and revealed a familiar face. This shocked him as he realised he was looking at himself. An inexperienced younger version of himself. 

"Shouldn't we apply anaesthesia?" Ben asked.

"No. He won't feel it. He's dead inside" The head surgeon turned around and began to cut into the young man's flesh.

As the surgeon looked up, it was his Father. He had a sadomachisitic grin on his face as blood flew out of Ben's flesh. The pain was agonising as his innards were ripped from his stomach. 

"Should have killed me when you had the chance" Phil laughed.. Ben blacked out. 

"This one is particularly nasty" He heard Jays muffled voice.

"Yeah, they botched up his surgery after being shot" another voice added

"Such a shame. Looks like a lovely lad" He heard Pam's voice.

When he opened his eyes he was looking up from a coffin, his skin was cold and he was paralysed. He was encased in the narrow wooden box, velvet lining felt like valcro as it irritated his skin. 

"Don't feel sorry for him, he was a murderer" Callum walked over to the coffin and slid the lid shut. Ben quaked as he heard the nails being screwed in.

Ben couldn't close his eyes, he watched as the blackness closed in. It was as though they had been pinned open.

* * *

"Can you hear me?" Ben heard a beeping sound, he opened his eyes to the overbearing white light. He couldn't speak, he felt a soft touch on his hand. He ached.

"Ben? I'm here" It was Callum, his voice had became echoey. 

"You are in the hospital" Callum stroked Ben's forehead, he felt his touch against his sweaty face. As he opened his eyes, the room became clearer. Callum leaned over him, tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" Ben's voice was croaky, his throat was dry.

"You were found unconsciousness, you've been asleep for three days" As he spoke, tears rolled down his cheeks. His eyes were red and he looked tired.

"Alcohol poisoning, you disappeared from my place and I didn't see you for eight days. I thought I had lost you" Ben squeezed Callum's hand.

"I'm sorry" He breathed, he had no recollection of this.

"Your dad's here, and your mom" Ben did not have an explanation for them

"Did you try to take your own life?" Callum asked, his hands were shaky.

"I don't remember" Ben said, and Callum passed him a cup of water, he gently sipped from the straw. 

He felt disillusioned as he lay and stared at the ceiling. None of this made any sense, he closed his eyes.


End file.
